


meet me at the crossroads of nowhere and forever

by PhantomFlutist



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-26 05:19:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2639582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhantomFlutist/pseuds/PhantomFlutist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It feels like someone has shoved a knife between his ribs, sharp and painful right into his heart, and Jaejoong is not sure that he's even breathing anymore. It doesn't feel like the world can even keep turning without Yunho in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	meet me at the crossroads of nowhere and forever

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning!** Jaejoong does have brief thoughts of suicide in this. If that's upsetting or triggering for you, then I recommend you don't read this.
> 
> Otherwise, please enjoy. Fyi, the song that Jaejoong and Changmin sing is "Doushite".

         The first time Yunho comes home drunk, smelling of expensive wine and cheap perfume, Jaejoong writes it off as the meetings with producers and writers that Yunho is always attending. He lets Yunho snuggle into his back and press sloppy, wet kisses to his neck, and tells him to go to sleep and that he better not complain about his hangover in the morning.

         The second time it's after two in the morning, and Jaejoong has long since gone to bed. Yunho stumbles in, making much more noise than he probably thinks he is, and struggles with stripping his clothes in order to crawl into bed next to Jaejoong. He doesn't even try for a kiss, and instead turns his back to Jaejoong and goes to sleep. He smells of the same perfume as the last time.

           The third time he comes home fantastically drunk, smelling strongly of perfume and _woman_ , with lipstick stains around his collar. He doesn't look at Jaejoong and he sleeps in his own bed—something he hasn't done in months.

           The fourth time Jaejoong is waiting for him, sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands clasped and his elbows resting on his thighs. He stares at Yunho as he staggers in and sees him there, pausing to lean heavily against the door frame as he slurs, “Jaejoong? What are you doing up?”

           It's one in the morning, so that's a fair question. Jaejoong doesn't relent in his heavy stare. “I was waiting for you,” he says.

           Yunho blinks, swaying on his feet. “Why?”

           Jaejoong looks down at his clasped hands, flexes them together for a moment and watches the way the tendons move. He considers his words carefully before saying them. “I can't do this anymore, Yunho.”

           “Do what, Jaejoong?”

           Jaejoong's breath catches hard in the back of his throat. Of course Yunho doesn't know what he's talking about. Of course he doesn't realize what he's done to hurt Jaejoong. Because Yunho is never wrong, never makes bad decisions, never—Jaejoong cuts his own thoughts off before they can go any farther. Instead, he says, “I wait for you to come home to me and then find out you were with a woman. I need you and you won't look at me. You haven't even kissed me in weeks, Yunho. Are you really going to pretend that everything's okay?”

           Yunho sighs deeply, steps forward on unsteady legs and stares mutely at Jaejoong for long moments. “What do you want me to say, Jaejoong?”

           “Is that supposed to help?” Jaejoong asks, standing abruptly. Yunho reaches for his arm but Jaejoong bats his hand away. He can't handle Yunho touching him right now. “You could at least apologize, if you're sorry. You could tell me why the _hell_ you thought it was okay to cheat on me _right in my face_. You could say _something_ honest, for once.”

           Yunho frowns, and he reaches again for Jaejoong, but Jaejoong will have none of that, not unless Yunho apologizes, not unless he promises to change things. Jaejoong won't let him make excuses, can't handle being treated like he's stupid. Another sigh comes from Yunho's mouth, his eyebrows furrowed like this conversation is taking all of his concentration. Jaejoong silently prays that whatever comes out of his mouth when he finally speaks will be worth all the effort he seems to be putting in. “Why would I cheat on you?” Yunho asks.

           Jaejoong has to hold in the scream, for the sake of their roommates. “I can't _fucking_ do this anymore, Yunho. I'm tired of making excuses for you and giving you the benefit of a doubt and believing that we won't be in hiding forever. You don't love me and I can't make you.”

           Yunho's eyes are tired, and more sober than Jaejoong thinks they ought to be. “So what do we do?”

           “Right now?” Jaejoong rubs his hands slowly over his face, and when he lowers them he locks eyes with Yunho, resolve straightening his posture and giving him the strength to say what he has to say. “Right now I am going to sleep with Junsu and Yoochun, and you are not going to follow me. This has to be over, Yunho.”

           Yunho nods stiffly, and Jaejoong thinks that might be resignation in his eyes, but he doesn't study it long enough to be sure. Instead, he turns on his heel and leaves before he can change his mind.

\---

           When Jaejoong crawls into the gap between Yoochun and Junsu, Yoochun's arms wrap around him and Junsu molds himself against Jaejoong's back, pressing a brief kiss to his shoulder. Blinking his eyes open sleepily, Yoochun asks, “How did it go?”

           Jaejoong snorts, nestling his face into Yoochun's chest and wishing that he could pretend that tonight never happened. “I'm not sure he even understood what was going on, he was so drunk.”

           Junsu rubs his back consolingly, and it's the last thing Jaejoong wants but it's still comforting, somehow, because it's Junsu attempting to make better a situation that can't be made better. “He'll wake up tomorrow and remember, and then he'll understand,” Junsu promises.

           “He'll understand, maybe, but he'll also be angry,” Jaejoong sighs. He knows what he's set in motion, knows that it's too late to stop any of it, even if he wanted to. “And the lawsuit isn't going to make anything better.”

           “Your relationship with him doesn't have anything to do with the lawsuit though, right?” Junsu asks.

           “Right,” Jaejoong sighs, and he feels unexplainable tears hitching up in his chest. “I broke up with him because he's cheating on me.” A sob makes its way out, and he feels a tear slip from his eye to soak into Yoochun's shirt.

           Yoochun squeezes him once, gently, his strong arms tight around Jaejoong's waist. “Jae? Are you okay?”

           “No,” Jaejoong states bluntly, beginning to cry in earnest. “I just...I love him _so much_.”

           Junsu kisses his hair, running thin fingers through dark strands. He knows how much Jaejoong likes to have people play with his hair, and normally it would be exactly what he needed, but now it just feels like too much. Jaejoong can't _breathe_.

           Jaejoong inhales deeply, holding it as he counts to ten, and then exhales in a rush and pulls carefully from their arms, getting up from the bed.

           “Where are you going?” Yoochun asks, reaching out for Jaejoong.

           Jaejoong wipes the tear tracks from his face with an impatient hand and straightens his shirt. “I need a smoke.”

           “Jaejoong--” Junsu starts.

           “Don't,” Jaejoong interrupts, searching for Yoochun's pack of cigarettes. He left his own in the room he used to share with Yunho. “I won't be long.”

           Yoochun starts to get up. “I'll come keep you company.”

           Jaejoong shakes his head, and he doesn't know if Yoochun can even see it in the half-light coming in the window, but he says, “Don't worry; I just need some time to think.”

           Yoochun stops moving, instead picking up the pack of cigarettes from his nightstand and handing them to Jaejoong. “Don't stay up too late,” he admonishes, pulling Jaejoong down to press a kiss to his forehead.

           Jaejoong nods and agrees quietly, “I'll be back in a few minutes. Go to sleep.”

           Yoochun watches him go, a pensive look on his face. Jaejoong closes the bedroom door behind himself.

\---

           The view from the balcony is a symphony of neon florescent lights in a sea of silent darkness. Even this late, the city is still awake, teeming with life and vitality. Jaejoong wonders what the woman Yunho was with is doing now, whether Yunho took her home and put her to bed, or if he let her find her own way home. The spiteful, hurt part of Jaejoong hopes that she got lost or passed out on her way and is sleeping in a gutter somewhere. He takes a long drag of his cigarette and shakes the thought away.

           The sliding door rattles, and Jaejoong turns to see Changmin stepping out onto the balcony, his face awash with the blue glow of his laptop, cradled in the crook of his arm. “Jaejoong-hyung? What are you doing up?”

           Jaejoong chuckles lowly, feeling hollow. He flicks ash over the railing as he slowly exhales smoke. He's not sure what to say to Changmin, so he doesn't say anything at all.

           Changmin doesn't seem perturbed, and he's smarter than any of them give him credit for. He closes the laptop gently and sets it aside on one of the deck chairs as he comes over. “You fought with Yunho.” Maybe Jaejoong hadn't been as quiet as he thought.

           “Were we that loud?” His hand dangles over the railing and he stares at the brightly-burning tip of his cigarette. Maybe he should just jump, put a swift end to all this. It can't hurt any more than he's already hurting.

           Changmin exhales loudly, and Jaejoong's not sure whether it's a laugh or a sigh, but that's just as well. Neither reaction would make him feel better. “You weren't. I was just awake.” Jaejoong wishes it were bright enough to see the look on Changmin's face, so he could tell whether Changmin is upset or just tired. He takes another drag and holds it, feeling the smoke try to choke him and wondering if he could, conceivably, die of suffocation from holding his breath. “You guys are leaving tomorrow, aren't you?”

           It's not what Jaejoong expected Changmin to say, but he should have known by now that he can't keep anything from their maknae. “The announcement is tomorrow, yeah,” he replies, letting the smoke out with the words. The nicotine is starting to do its job, making everything hurt less, and Jaejoong lets himself float on his little cloud of self-delusion for a while. “Guess we'll see how soon the company kicks us out after that.”

           Changmin's arms wrap around him from behind, and he steals Jaejoong's cigarette and takes a long drag. _You don't smoke_ ,Jaejoong wants to say but doesn't, because Changmin is a big boy and is going to have to look after himself from now on. To Changmin's credit, he doesn't even cough much as he exhales. “I don't want you to go,” he says. It's low, and steady. He knows his words aren't going to change their minds. He would have said something sooner if he thought they would. He needs Jaejoong to know, that he still loves them in spite of this.

           Jaejoong never meant to hurt anyone.

           Neither of them speaks, and the silence grows between them. They're usually uncomfortable like this, but tonight they both need it too much to be bothered. The cigarette is stamped out on the railing, tossed into the abyss below, and Changmin is the one who reaches into Jaejoong's pocket for another. He lights it with trembling fingers, nearly burning himself in the process, and waits patiently while Jaejoong inhales. Then there are hesitant lips on his temple, and when Jaejoong lifts his hand to pat the cheek not pressed against his hair, it comes away wet.

           “I would do anything not to leave you, Changminnie,” he swears, because it's true. This is not about Changmin, or even about Yunho. It's about the Company and taking a stand against the way they've been forced to live.

           Changmin's breathing is ragged, and he rocks Jaejoong slowly back and forth, his arms firm around Jaejoong's middle and his lips in his hair.

           By the time the second cigarette has burned out Changmin has stopped crying. Jaejoong turns in his arms, presses his face to Changmin's neck and prays for the boy that he's abandoning. Changmin is strong, and he will recover, but he will likely not be the same.

           Jaejoong won't admit to the wet patch he leaves on Changmin's shirt collar, but Changmin doesn't call him on it anyway. Instead, he strokes a hand through Jaejoong's hair and begs, “Promise me one thing, Hyung.”

           “Anything,” Jaejoong agrees.

           Changmin squeezes him tight and then releases him, holds him at arm’s length to study him with bloodshot eyes. “Talk to Yunho. Don't let it end like this.”

           Jaejoong thought he was done crying, but a sob bubbles up his throat, escapes on a breath. “It has to end either way, Changmin. What's the point of letting myself hope?” The woman, he struggles to remember the way Yunho had looked, coming home after being with _her_ , lipstick on his collar, covered in her scent....

           Changmin is holding him again, rubbing his back as he cries. He wants to stop but doesn't know how, cannot come up with any thoughts that aren't unbelievably painful. Will it always be like this? He'd known from the beginning that it was a bad idea, that Yunho would never be able to love him the way he wanted. Still, he had to try, because he loved Yunho so much _it hurt_ , but that was exactly the problem, wasn't it? It hurt to love Yunho, because Yunho was so bound to family and duty. He worked so hard to be the person that everyone else needed him to be that by the time he got to Jaejoong there was nothing left.

           It feels like someone has shoved a knife between his ribs, sharp and painful right into his heart, and Jaejoong is not sure that he's even breathing anymore. Every part of him _aches_ , and he wants to curl up as small as he can make himself and never move again. It doesn't feel like the world can even keep turning without Yunho in his life.

           Lips against his, and he can almost believe for a moment that it's Yunho, that he's come to apologize, to promise that things will change, that they'll be alright. But as he opens stinging eyes, Jaejoong realizes that it's only Changmin, trying to comfort him somehow. The kiss is soft, and gentle, and not at all what Jaejoong wants, but for once it's what he needs, and he lets Changmin press against him for a minute longer.

           When their lips part, Changmin leans his forehead on Jaejoong's and whispers, “This is not the end, Hyung.”

           Jaejoong wishes fiercely that he could believe him. He pets Changmin's hair and takes deep, even breaths. It has been far too long a night. “Sing with me, Changmin,” he begs, feeling the wind rustle their clothes, “one last time, before I go.”

           Changmin breathes with him, nodding slowly, his eyes falling closed as Jaejoong begins a familiar melody. It's weak and broken with just the two of them, filling in the harmony lines carefully, singing solos that there should be other men there to sing. But eventually they find their level and it gets stronger, their voices soft still, but steady. As the song swells towards its ending, Jaejoong finds the pain in his chest fading, being replaced by an odd hollowness. It aches, like his knee does sometimes, and gives a weak throb as Changmin sings Junsu's last lines, Jaejoong chiming in with one of his own.

           “All I can do for the rest of eternity is pray for your happiness _(No matter how lonely that makes me)_ no matter how painful it is....”

\---

           Changmin kisses him once more and goes inside after that. Jaejoong settles on the deck chair, his head leaning on the cement wall behind him, and stares at the skyline like it can fix everything that's wrong with them. His chest is heavy and his head hurts, and he would have another smoke but he doesn’t think his hands are even strong enough to pull out the pack right now.

           He's not sure how long he sits there, except that the sun is coming up and instead of pain or hollowness everything just feels numb. The sunlight is bright, burns his tired eyes, and with a sigh he struggles out of the chair. The events of the night feel like a dream now, even though he hasn't slept. Maybe it's the daylight, trying to trick him into thinking that things will be better. He knows that's not how it works.

           Yoochun cracks an eye open when Jaejoong slips into the bed behind him. “It's been way longer than a few minutes,” he mumbles.

           Jaejoong hushes him and curls an arm around his waist. They have to be up in a few hours, and he's not sure he'll sleep, but he's much more comfortable here than he would be elsewhere. Yoochun and Junsu are a calming presence, and Jaejoong lets the numbness surround him and pull him under.

\---

           Morning comes too quickly, but Jaejoong rolls out of bed at the sound of the alarm clock anyway, and shuffles out to the kitchen to start breakfast before he even realizes which room he just exited. Everything that happened last night suddenly rushes back, and he slams a pan down onto the stove. _Nothing_ is right anymore, and there’s nothing he can do to fix it. The only thing he _can_ do is make sure they’re all fed, that they get in the car and get to work on time. With a deep breath, he does just that, makes soup and rice and eggs, bullies a half-awake Junsu into setting the table, swats Changmin’s hands away when he tries to sneak a taste.

           It’s all so painfully _normal_ …at least until Yunho walks out, hand covering a yawn, still wearing his rumpled clothes from yesterday. It’s not much different from the way he looks almost any morning after he’s come home drunk the night before, except that Jaejoong never lets him sleep in their bed smelling of alcohol and questionable bars and body odor. But Jaejoong hadn’t been there to tell him to get undressed, or to do it for him.

           Yunho pauses in the doorway, staring at Jaejoong, but Jaejoong finds he can’t look at Yunho anymore. He feels suddenly as if he’s done something wrong, and guilt makes him flinch away. He knows it’s stupid; he’s being stupid, but he can’t stop it. He had good reasons for the things he said, the things he did. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. He wishes, suddenly, for the numbness, because it was infinitely preferable to this…this…ache. He aches for Yunho, yearns to hold him.

           Jaejoong’s fingers are twitchy. He flexes them, trying not to make it obvious, and goes back to dishing out food. Breakfast first, before anything else, before he tries to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do now that everything is ending.

           There’s tense silence as they eat, only the clinking of cutlery in the stillness of the kitchen. Jaejoong can’t stand it, but also can’t bring himself to break it. That’s not his job anymore.

           After they eat he waves the others off to get ready and starts clearing the table. Wordlessly, Yunho joins him, stacking bowls and plates and carrying them to the kitchen. Jaejoong doesn’t want to see him, doesn’t want Yunho working beside him like nothing’s changed, but he can’t breathe enough to form words.

           With the dishes stacked, he pulls on rubber gloves and begins washing, praying that Yunho will leave now, that he’ll go shower and let Jaejoong be alone. Maybe if Yunho leaves, the painful yearning will, as well.

           Yunho picks up a towel and Jaejoong fights back a sob. He’s standing there like nothing happened, like nothing is different, like Jaejoong didn’t break up with him last night. He’s beautiful and Jaejoong can’t bear to look at him, because he’s also everything that Jaejoong can no longer have. He wants Yunho, so badly he thinks his heart may just tear itself out of his chest in its effort to get closer to Yunho. But Jung Yunho never really wanted him, and he has to remember that.

           _Please,_ he prays, clutching the edge of the sink and closing his eyes like that will make Yunho disappear. _Please don’t make me do this. Please just go._ He tries to say it out loud but finds he can’t. Because no matter how much it hurts he still wants Yunho to stay.

           “We need to talk,” Yunho murmurs. It says something that he doesn’t try to touch Jaejoong, doesn’t throw a familiar arm around his shoulders or try to take his hand. He knows that things are broken, at least.

           “I think I said everything I needed to say last night,” Jaejoong replies. It comes out ragged, like his throat is full of broken glass. He can’t do this. The dishes are a distraction—scrub the bowl, rinse it, set it in the draining board, repeat—that keeps him from running away, at least.

           Yunho’s shoulders droop, his whole form crumpling in on itself as if he’s carrying a thousand pounds on his back. “Jaejoong, I…I need to say that I’m sorry, at least. I need to tell you why—“

           “Why you cheated on me?” Jaejoong interrupts, whirling finally to look at Yunho. “Why you let me think that you loved me back when all along you were just lying to my face? Why you _slept with me_ even though apparently you’re more attracted to women? Rejection when I first confessed I could have lived with, but this….”

           Yunho has recoiled with every word, and he swallows thickly when Jaejoong trails off. Slowly, he steps forward, staring into Jaejoong’s eyes. “I didn’t cheat on you,” he says, with the solemnity of a courtroom confession. “I thought about it—god, but it felt like a good idea at the time—but then I remembered that you were at home waiting for me. I _came home to you_ even though I was angry at you, even though I could barely look at you without wanting to cry, or scream, or throw everything we owned across the room.” The deep breath he takes in rattles its way through his throat. “You are _everything_ to me, Jaejoong, and to know that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me your plans? I wanted to die.”

           Jaejoong is shaking, he notes dimly. It was his fault?  He…because of the lawsuit? Because he didn’t tell Yunho what he and Junsu and Yoochun were planning? The world is spinning. He thinks he might need to sit down. “How did you find out?” he finds himself asking. One of his arms is still braced on the edge of the sink. There’s a bowl in his hand—he should be doing something with that. He drops it, hears the splash of it falling into the sink, realizes the water is still on.

           “That’s what you’re worried about?” Yunho says, and maybe Jaejoong said the wrong thing. This is all wrong, everything is wrong, they’re broken and he can’t fix them and everything is over and it’s too late, _too late._

           Jaejoong’s knees give out and he finds himself kneeling on the kitchen floor. It’s dirty, they haven’t cleaned it in a while, he shouldn’t be sitting here. Yunho is crouching in front of him, his face twisted. He looks like he can’t decide whether to be angry or concerned. Jaejoong reaches out and tries to smooth the creases between Yunho’s eyebrows. He gets soap suds on Yunho’s face.

           Yunho blinks at him, some of the wrinkles disappearing, and then one of his hands is gently stroking Jaejoong’s face. Jaejoong leans into it, feels Yunho’s thumb wiping gently under his eye. It comes away wet.

           “I’ve fucked everything up, haven’t I?” Jaejoong asks. It’s the only thing he can think of, that this is all his fault. He was the one who made Yunho consider cheating, he was the one who was breaking up the band, he was the one who couldn’t seem to do anything right and who probably should have thrown himself off the balcony last night when he had the chance.

           Yunho shakes his head, pulls Jaejoong into his arms. His embrace is warm and strong and exactly as Jaejoong remembers, and he doesn’t even mind that Yunho smells like alcohol and sweaty men. “Not everything,” Yunho tells him, “not yet, anyway.”

           Jaejoong shivers, wraps himself around Yunho and promises himself that he’ll never let go again. _Men,_ he realizes suddenly, sniffing Yunho’s shirt again. _He smells like men._ “You weren’t with her last night?”

           Yunho laughs, his chuckle shaking Jaejoong’s body in a different way than it has been. “I haven’t seen her again, no.” He strokes Jaejoong’s hair, his touch still careful, hesitant, as he jokes, “Why, did you want me to?”

           Jaejoong shakes his head emphatically, clutching tighter to Yunho. “You are never to see her again, ever,” he admonishes, turning his head to plant desperate kisses on every inch of Yunho’s neck he can reach. “God, I love you so much.”

           Yunho tips his head up for a proper kiss, his fingers on Jaejoong’s jaw gentle like he’s handling fine china. “I love you too,” he replies.

           It’s not enough, it’s not everything. They have a lot left to talk about, to apologize for, to fix. Jaejoong is still suing the company, Yunho is still angry at him for hiding things, will still be distant and scared sometimes. There will probably be an awkward conversation about the fact that Jaejoong made out with Changmin, though there have been plenty of kisses exchanged between the members over the years. But for now, in each other’s arms, Jaejoong finds that he can have a little peace. The pain of the night has eased, and hopefully, together, they can reach toward a better tomorrow.


End file.
